CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Breaking news:
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times