I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
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The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Teach your children to beatbox
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’