My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
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Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school