Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
happy friday
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Cucumbers Anonymous
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism