Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
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Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Danger is very dangerous
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Phew
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Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?