dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
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Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”