a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
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comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.