GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
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If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
me and my fake scenarios
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
some things should go without saying
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.