Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
TEETH IS INNOCENT