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Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
This meeting could have been a cake
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.