Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
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ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*