microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
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Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.