The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
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For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
synchronized noseblowing
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.