forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
your honor my client chooses dare
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.