I didn’t realize that was an option
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If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
The smoothest fall of all time
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Omg 🤣
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey