even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Ken is short for chicken
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway