I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
seems fine
Investing in beetcoin
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Best table by far
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it