There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
You Might Also Like
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
im all 3
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,