Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
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Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I only eat vegetarians.