Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
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Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.