What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
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This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
choose your fighter
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Tuesday
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog