All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
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Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.