“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
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If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I’m aging like a fine banana