“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break