Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
You Might Also Like
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being