when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
You Might Also Like
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them