If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
This is a bad sign
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.