If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
You Might Also Like
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
A wise man once said nothing.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order