“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
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you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Steam Forums
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I’ll be mad as hell!
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”