my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
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Maths meets science
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop