The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
You Might Also Like
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.