It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
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Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
True statement👍😏😁
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[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist