[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
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If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Maths meets science
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.