I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
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Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I have questions??
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Is this you?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man