My body is a “wonder what happened” land
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“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow