95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this