Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
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[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?