And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
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[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Growing out my freckles.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”