*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
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You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color