My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
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Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Print is alive and well!!!
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*