“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!