Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
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The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Pikachu found the lost joint
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Best spoiler warning ever
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them