*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
This took me a second..
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
found this cool rock hiking today
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Just ordered me some pizza!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol