AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
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Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?