When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
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I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.