*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
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You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
liiiiiiiiike
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.