{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
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I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.