I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.