If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
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Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
hmm conte-me mais
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
The funk soul brother
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.