Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
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I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?